...and then what!

"Because the only one I have ever loved, is the only one that will never love me".


We got together to cure your financial woes. At least that was the promise. You needed money and security and I needed sex or so I told you.

The money was always a day away, but the promises were always present. As long as we were together, you could never be broke, because the tapestry that was woven was deep and rich in the fabric of hope and chance.

Things began with you calling for me from a desperate place. You tried to lust for money before and with disastrous results. Maybe the fact that you had a boyfriend and was still loving this person was more of a hindrance than you were willing to admit to yourself. The more time we spent, the less money became an issue, the more confusion injected, the more the lie swallowed us both.

Time passed, but the lies did not. Money did indeed change hands, but reciprocity ruled and you paid dearly for every dime you got from me. Before you knew it, you were attending cookouts and bar-b-ques hosted by family and attended by yours. Lines got crossed and intentions blurred. The living of life came to a head and you learned a valuable lesson: You can't walk on both sides of the street at the same time! The secrets had to be uncloaked, but not just yours, you see I held a few secrets of my own.

You see the stories of infamy and wealth were all true. The money was there and yours for the taking, what was not yours and could never be was the one thing you were was so sure that you possessed-My heart. You see there was a game being played and a scam taking place, but, what was at stake was never money! The prize was each others soul. You apologized ever so smugly as if you had broken me, because you saw me show some emotion. The truth remained that I was broken long before we ever met. "She" broke me and never cared to clean up the mess, to dust up the broken pieces. My feelings for you were the broken, fractured type. Feelings that were never unconditional and never elastic.

My dear the sex was just one small way that I wanted/needed to control you. I needed to control you, not because I cared for you, but because I could never ever control her. What you received was just a bad facsimile of what she wanted from me. I rescued you, because that was the one role she afforded me unequivocally. I gave to you what she would not accept from me. I may have been your house to burn; your lesson to learn ,if you were smart. However, you my dear, you were the demon I needed to exorcise. The only way that I could finally fix her, was through you.

So as it ended , the frustration you saw was not about you at all. It was the exorcism of her. I had finally conquered her through you. The ashes you saw at your feet were not created by your heat, but, by a star that shone much brighter than your own. A star that was at once: my heat, my inspiration, muse and biggest frustration. Even with the same problems, same inept behaviours, lack of moral compass and propensity for all out foul fuckery, you could never cut me as deep. You did succeed in proving once and for all, that there is no one like her and from my heart you both must be expelled.

I feel bad because you were young and inexperienced and not ready for the mind fuck that was me. So remember to practice your tantra techniques, never forget that threesomes are best experienced when they are organic and not contrived and above all being multi-orgasmic is far more pleasurable for him than it is for her!

I see you still searching, still not knowing what to do with yourself. Unsure and undecided and thinking that the party will quiet the demons within. Well it won't and neither will the meds. Your life and your love and your decisions can't be made in a vacuum. On a positive note, we will always have the Sopranos Season 4:-)