Window of my soul

Late one evening LOVE came to me and asked “Are you ready to go with me”? Very willingly and without hesitation I answered ‘Yes’. Love titled her sweet little head and scrunched her nose in that way that only love can and curiously asked “why now, when I have come for you so many times before”? I looked up at LOVE as if I wasn’t going to dignify her question with a response and replied bluntly ‘Because of her, she is HER’! Love asked most excitedly “Why her”? “Remember when…”

And that is when LOVE and I began to reminisce about our history together. The story is told like this…. On a basketball court in Chicago during the late 80’s love introduced herself to me. She said “Hi” in a weak voice and somewhat mumbled tone. I knew little of love, only what I saw on T.V or heard in sappy songs that I hated at the time. Love politely asked if I would her to the bus stop and I replied ‘Naw, you know I am about to hoop with my boys’. Maybe I can get with you later’? Love lowered her pretty little head and said “ok, maybe later”. As I turned my back on love I didn’t notice the tears she held back as she walked home. Many years would pass before I would see LOVE again!

Several years later love found me in the hall of my high School. By this time I knew all about love. You make someone your girlfriend, you take them out, you always have someone to kiss and she wears your baseball letter man jacket and things are easy and breezy…right? Well Love sauntered up to me wearing the sweetest smile and requested all my time, energy and what little money I earned. Well Hell! That’s a small price to pay. After all I was getting all the kisses I wanted and Love sure did smell good. Besides everyone else had some love of their own and it’s mighty hard to hang out with no one to love…right! Then one day after learning about my impending departure to college, love asked if I would remain true to her! How could I be with only love, I am going to college and that is a whole entire planet away! I broke Love's heart, yet again she fled behind stifled tears.

This time there would be an even greater stretch between our meetings, but as sure as sand passes through hour glasses we did indeed meet again. During this time love was different, she constantly changed forms and none of them seemed to be that pure innocent version that was so familiar to me. She was cold, bent, tainted and unyielding. I wanted love but not at any cost, why wouldn’t love submit to the betterment of me, Hell-I had! Why couldn’t love understand that I was just some poor kid from the ghetto and I wanted more? Why didn’t love see that all I was doing was for us or me or both? Shit, I don’t know, I was right to be selfish…right? Screw love! If she can’t see that I need this regardless of what we need, well… she can just leave. And so she did, this time without a single tear and without any remorse. Love and I had conceded that we were not meant to be together, were too different or too young or too something.

Ohhhh Where art thou love! It has been 5 years and no sight of her. I didn’t mean all those mean things I said, didn’t really want her to leave. I know what I will do! I will win her back. Seduce her with my knowledge and how much I’ve grown. I’ll show love I can be her best friend, that I can take care of her, support her and be all she needs and more. This will surely bring love to me. Although this facsimile of her hurts me and takes advantage of me, love must see what’s happening and come for me, she always has before... She will rescue me from this because after all she is LOVE and love doesn’t hurt you, abuse you, cheat, lie and steal. That‘s not love …right? Well love never did come and that taught me more about love then I ever knew possible. I stopped chasing love and love never sought me out. Deep inside though… I knew we were connected.

Suddenly like a thief in the night LOVE knocked on my bedroom window and smiled that familiar smile. I opened that window and helped love inside. Without hesitation I opened up to her, she asked and I told. I never asked where she had been all this time because it didn’t matter. Her myriad of travels didn’t matter, only that she is back. Whether she had flashed that brilliant smile to others or not didn’t seem to matter. What did matter was that I show her how happy I was that she's back. We talked for hours, shared everything, laughed and made love. All that time apart me helped me realize what she meant to me, taught me the resolve to never lose H.E.R again!